So when did 34 become so old?

So when did 34 become so old? I have looked all over the internet and can't find the answer, that is where all the answers are right?

I mean where did my life as in "MY LIFE" go? I have the life that belongs to my husband, kids, dogs and forum but where is MY life? I don't understand when it got so lost or when I got so lost. It's really confusing and scary when you think about it, sitting here not really knowing why you have nothing better to do than wonder why you have nothing better to do. I recently started reading again, that's odd in itself..I haven't really sat down and read anything since Lestat stole my heart, oh the passion that came from that book..

I've started writing again, I've got a lot of that done in the past few years but I always pause because I am writing about my life and it's painful to remember sometimes...I suck as far as my grammar and writing style so I will probably never do anything with my writing other than keep it for myself, oh well that's me.

It's strange at my age to feel as awkward as I do. I mean shouldn't this pass at 15? I'm afraid and confused. Here I am 34 yrs old on my 2nd marriage 2 biological children and 2 step children with 4 dogs and afraid of being alone. Both of my parents are gone, my brother is gone and my sister, well she's all I have left and when she goes what does that really say for me?

I find life ironic though really, I tried to kill myself at 15, spent my twenties having panic attacks because I was afraid to die and now I sit here, alive and afraid of living alone.I get angry a lot too..I dunno but some days I get so damn mad I could scream! I'm a stay at home mom for the first time in my life and I feel so useless it's sickening.

When does life become so hard and why for some of us is it always hard? I don't remember one single solitary time in my life that way easy. I'm not trying to complain, it could be worse I guess but I believe it probably has a lot to do with why I don't have many friends that actually give a shit. I have one that emails me and we get together every few months maybe and then there's the forum, there are a few of them I am close too, a few that come to visit and one or two that really do give a shit.. My husband has friends and he's endlessly trying to get me to be friends with their wives..I'm just not that easy to get to know i guess, I always feel so damn awkward in crowds and situations like that.

I wonder about the other girls from my generation, what they are doing, are they like me or am I really the loner chic now that I was back then? *LOL* Am I also alone in how I feel? Man what a horrible adult I turned into I guess, I mean I gave my life to my husband, my kids and everyone else yet forgot about myself until now and I sit here with a son who's about to turn 18 and move out and a 7yr old daughter, once they are gone I won't have anyone to take care of and it scares the hell out of me!

WOW did I go off on this blog or what? If you're lucky I'll be back tomorrow and post again..and if anyone actually does read these things
Pump my ego a bit ;)

Have a great weekend!